I’m sitting at dance while my son learns math and Spanish from the iPad. I discovered I can make updates to my website from my phone! I am so excited that I am inspired to start sharing again.
I have been quiet recently. For a while I was focused on just posting on social media. But two weeks ago I felt jittery and distracted and found myself going to Facebook and Instagram without a purpose. Following moments of clicking or scrolling I felt depleted and distracted. I knew that I was not actually posting so why was I falling into this habit?
Delete and delete. No more Facebook or Instagram. The accounts are still there but to quit the bad habit I would just remove it all together.
What did this do for me? It has helped me a lot. First, I realize how much I do anything I can to not be present. Insert social media, wine at night, making a mess and then having to clean it up, snacking while making food, etc. etc.
After just two weeks I have realized that I have to be with my thoughts more, my space, and my people. Two days after I deleted Facebook and Instagram I gave up alcohol. For those of you that know me I love wine. I got hooked again this summer, likely when indulging in summer wine and using that one or two glasses to take the edge off. Often times it is when the kids are having meltdowns, or I am feeling exhausted or simply because it is a way of connection in our house. Having a glass of wine brings me back to falling in love with James; I cannot blame myself for wanting that.
The downside of drinking for me is that I think, it flared up my SIBO (small intenstinal bacterial overgrowth). My belly will get so bloated I look five months pregnant and as I type right now, my stomach is in a lot of pain. Why? Because I veered off my SIBO protocol I restarted last week for a couple moments and darn it I pay. The culprit this time? The darn gluten free peanut butter cereal. Doubke whammy for me: corn and sugar. I don’t eat sugar and I can feel it. Oh, and I ate peanuts and a handful of gluten free pretzels for my lunch. Why? Because of course I was on the go and sick of the same lunch.
My point in any of this is that I veered off for a couple moments and I am paying the price. So I have to make the resolve to keep going. To remember why I am doing this. I am doing this so I can heal and eat more foods? What foods do I dream of? Lentils, beans, cauliflower, oatmeal and pizza. My restricted diet for the majority of nine years broke me by the end of 2018. I realized it was too much and moments of the eating disorder were staring me in my face.
So I chose to make upgrades to the holidays in a way that helped me feel like I was participating but not kill my stomach. The result was a bit more inflammation and finally lots of symptoms. I do not regret what I did as far as choices, but I know I have another hurdle to overcome.
I feel determined and focused, yet a part of me feels overwhelmed with the amount of food prep etc. I want to overcome it this time with more vibrance and less suffering and joint pain. I want to keep my eye on those lentils and healthy pizza and less about what I cannot do.
I want to know that with sitting with this discomfort of all of the things in my life, I will grow in a way that is unknown to me.
Why does any of this matter? The biggest reason is that I haven’t been my best self in the category of mom. I have lost my temper and gotten into arguments with my kiddos too many times to count. I feel terrible after and realize I must do everything I can to feel and be my best! And I know if I don’t show up for me first, there is no way I can enjoy the journey of parenthood.
And so my sharing will continue through these days. I want to share what I am doing with food, mindfulness, exercise, self-exploration, doctors and more.
Why? Because I believe that writing and sharing heals. And I will have plenty that stay on my computer, but some maybe will be worthy of sharing. And if it helps one person some day, than it is worth it.
And my goal is to be authentic and not care if it is perfect.
How are you being true to yourself? Is there something that fills your cup that you want to add back in? Are you scrolling or clicking too much? Can you be more present with yourself in hopes for growth? I challenge you to be curious. :)
With gratitude and love,
note: please excuse any typos as I just discovered the ability to publish via my phone. :)
ps. This pic is a silly pic of me after my morning was a bit frustrating and I had to ditch my friend for our yoga date. Sigh. To flow with life is I suppose, the only way.