Raw Motherhood Lessons—love you today...FREAL!

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Two weeks ago my husband was sick and a lot was just on me. I also had PMS and little sleep. Thus, I wrote the below blog post in the midst of it all. I never got around to posting it, well, because I was doing my best. This past week I am having a flashback to these moments because my son had my husband's illness (I think of version of the influenza) and it has been rough. He also added in the barfs with it intermittently so that has been a not-so-fun curveball! Poor dude. I thought it would resonate with somebody, even just one person, so I decided to share from two weeks ago my Raw Motherhood Lessons.

I know for me there are many moments on this parenting journey that I could be REAL hard on myself, but I know that doing will only harm myself and others. I must surrender those not-so-pretty moments and dig deep. I must accept that I am doing my best, I am enough and I am deserving of loving me today.

I hope the below story inspires you to remember: you are doing your BEST, you are ENOUGH, and you are worthy of LOVE! 

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Sunday, Feb. 12 at 11 p.m. and Monday afternoon, Feb. 13, 2017

I sit on the couch right now (my bed for the third night now) in tears. My hubby is sick and it's been a long weekend. I have felt behind on EVERYTHING. I tried to catch up and take care of my two little people and my hubby: making juice, doing laundry, roasting veggies, shopping, mopping, taking kids to swimming, valentine's boxes, and more. All with an attempt at loving. But during all of that the reality was that I never felt like I was enough: I felt behind, crabby, irritable, selfish, unloving, frustrated and angry. 

I SO want to be adaptable. I SO want to be able to skip sleep and self care and be enough for my family. I SO want to give them the love they give me but I snap, or yell and they quickly remind me, "mom, you are in the amygdala!" For those of you that understand this part of the brain, it is the part of your brain that manages your fight or flight. It is the part in your brain that tells sends the blood to your arms and legs to get you ready to run from the tiger, fast and NOW! Here is a website that I found explains it pretty well: The Amygdala & Emotions. Thanks to SuperStretch and my amazing yogini friend (the creator of SuperStretch) I teach my kids that when we are yelling the amygdala is in control. It might go something like this: "Sweet child, we aren't thinking straight. We must breathe to think through this situation!" Of course those words come out with an intense restraint of yelling (but sometimes raising my voice—eek)! Most often two or three breaths by all parties and the challenge subsides. And that is that. Those are the glorious and amazing parenting moments. The intensity of life happens, we acknowledge and use our tools, and move through it. Obviously that doesn't always happen, but is my ideal. :) When it doesn't happen I do re-do's (just did one this morning) and will share what that means in a blog post soon. It is quite amazing actually.

This weekend was a different story. I felt like I was clenching my body and especially face and throat. I felt so frustrated because I just got off caffeine in an attempt to switch my diet, sleep, and exercise to create a new internal rhythm. I want to feel better and snap a hell of a lot less at my people. It hurts my heart so bad to know that I get so mad and am resisting so much. I honestly feel like sometimes I cannot control it. Other moms (and dads) out there: you know that out-of-body feeling where you know you are being unreasonable but you cannot stop yourself? Please say some of you are nodding with me?? 

Recently I got my copy of the Adrenal and Thyroid Revolution by Dr. Aviva Romm. After reading this book everything seemed clear. As I was a couple chapters in I thought, "Awe shit, there is nothing wrong with me, my hormones are just f'd!" So the intense food cravings and the yelling at the loved ones and flying off the handle is explained. As I continued to read the book I felt my shoulders drop and thought, "So there is a chance I can feel better than this?" 

After drinking 3-5 shots of espressos per day in the past couple weeks (that is the equivalent of 2 or 2'ish cups of coffee) I weaned in a week, and was ready to rock it! I bought some of the hormone-balancing foods and was doing a lot of the flow ("ideal day") of the reset: more sleep, winding down, breathing, yoga, and slow-carb eating (all explained in her book). The bottom line: I haven't nailed it yet, and know that I am obviously free to do anything I want (no rules right)? But at the deep of my heart I want to follow this protocol for 28 days because days like these HURT. They hurt so bad. I pause and I think, what do my kids think and feel in their heart? The one person that is supposed to always be there (MOM) is mad a lot! Do they think it is them? I pray on this one: God no, don't think it is you my sweet ones. Mommy just doesn't feel good and I'm sorry. I will do better tomorrow. I promise. I'm sorry. I love you. 

And so I say forget the list. It is there and it will stay there. What is on the list: sympathy cards that got melted in the snow unbeknownst to me and I have to resend or how about the Christmas present (yes I said Christmas present) for for my hubbies side of the family. It's just sitting there and OMG it's Valentine's Day Tuesday. How does that happen? I have to order brochures for essential oils class that is coming up and supplies for it. How about the invitations for the classes and the b-day invitations, not to mention the Golden b-day presents to go with it. Oh, and how do we make Valentine's day special but do everything we can to not get sick?? I should go sanitize right now right? But in the end, none of it matters. Truly. It. Doesn't. Matter!!! It doesn't matter when I am doing the best I can right? It doesn't matter when I am barely getting basic needs met right? And finally, none of life matters when my attitude is focused on the list or the things NOT going well. That is when the spiral happens and the opposite is true. When we focus on LOVE and when we focus on what IS going right and what we are grateful for, magic happens. I find connection with my kiddos and efficient-chore doing and a letting go of how fast the stuff gets done. 

It will all work out and my heart says breathe. My heart says, go to bed sweet mama. Don't worry. Try again tomorrow and with the power you have use what you know to kick ass tomorrow: gratitude, meditation, the power of intention, laughter, movement, sleep, breath and LOVING ME FIRST!  That means saying nice things to me regardless of my challenges or opportunities. We are all imperfect and to grow stronger and brighter it only serves us to focus on Love. Trust me I know the end result of not giving that to me because I felt that today. 

So I say goodnight Minneapolis. Good night sick husband. Good night angel babies. And good night world. As my daughter wrote in a card to her daddy, "sick man," get better because you are missed and damn you do a lot for our family. And good night sweet little ones. I hope tonight you saw that mama was tired and hormonal and just needs space sometimes to be the best me. I hope you alway remember that no matter what, LOVE wins and it starts with YOU!! Be proud, forgive, love hard and laugh harder! 

What are you saying to you today and in your head? Why are making the choices you make? You deserve to love you ALL the time: thoughts, speech and action. Start today with me won't you? 

Oh, wait you thought I was done. I wrote this last night and started today great. I did my morning prayer and breath and movement. It totaled ten minutes but I was ready, right? And then I couldn't win against the clock this morning and the mess seemed to multiply. I stopped breathing and damn, I was SO. HARD. ON. MYSELF. You can ask my husband. I was a MESS. After the late drop off for the oldest kiddo I went on a walk around the lake and the first half felt heavy. I was feeling sorry for myself and that inner voice was, let's just say, not kind. And then I thought, why am I doing this. "What you resist, persists!" And I kept playing this wisdom reminded to me by my amazing coach Laura Burkey. Oh no...I was doing it again. I was creating a reality that was filled with suffering, anger and a lot of time not breathing. This was felt in my heart and in my little ones. This isn't working. And each step around the lake allowed me to breathe in fresh air. I was able to connect and "chat" with my son. We played the game, "What do you LOVE?" in honor of Valentine's week (also taught to me by Laura Burkey). It was fun and at the end of it I felt uplifted and inspired to show up for me. After the game and stopping my crazy spinning mind, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and choose be nice to me today. Let GO sister! Today is going to be as good as you make it. 

My sweet little man resting

So I challenge you one more time....can you be NICE to you? Can you talk to yourself like you would a good friend? And if that is hard to do that (which it was for me), can you somehow move your body? Can you hide from the family or kids and then make a list or say it aloud of "what you love?" and why? It helps. I promise. And maybe in that little journey of writing or saying it aloud you realize you are truly badass. You have done a lot and you keep showing up. Love isn't about being perfect my friends. Love is getting back up again and trying again. It is reflecting on where you are challenged and looking at that dark inside of you and shining your bright and amazing light at it. You are worth it! I love you and darn it...you should love you!!! And I will do the same....that I can promise. Thank you to those closest to me that remind me of this, I am grateful for you! And thank you for each and everyone of you that continue to teach me on my path!!

Thanks for reading, loving, and living. It truly is what makes the world go round. 

In love, light and gratitude, 

Kristin

A view from my first run last week. The lake is melting and this week has taught me to keep letting go!

A view from my first run last week. The lake is melting and this week has taught me to keep letting go!

P.S. Thanks little bean for this message on Saturday. You were right when you said "Mom, sometimes you
are so overwhelming!" That's right sweetie. I am. And I overwhelm myself. Thanks for the reminder kid. You are a light that shines so bright in our lives! 

P.P.S. I realize It has been QUIET on the blog and website, but again, I have not abandoned anything, I am trying to be strategic and rest when I can. More to come on that later. XOXO

Monday Check-in: Breathing - Nov. 7, 2016

How am I? 

I am in a rut and I am better than I've ever been! Why? Because despite having a tough week and not feeling the best, I know I have support, tools such as yoga, meditation, gratitude and more to get back up. I consider last week's challenging moments a paper cut. Why was this last week harder than some? I had some tougher moments emotionally this week but it wasn't a whole day; each time it was just a moment. What a gift. Also, based on how I feel, I am reminded that what I'm doing right now for self-care is not the right balance. I am not sleeping enough or eating the right foods or doing a consistent and solid yoga practice. And I know that needs to change. However, I also know that the hardest part is starting. I'm learning a lot right now in my yoga training (online Vinyasa Krama training with Rod Stryker). And in that training he talks about the Law of Continuity. It essentially means like attracts like and thus, we tend to keep doing what keeps us out of balance because it feels good. Sometimes doing the same thing, even if it makes us feel crappy, makes us feel better than making a change. Wow, can I resonate with that because that is exactly where I am. I know what I need to do, but there is a lot of resistance to doing it. I think we all can relate to this in some way. Think of the months where you have a consistent workout schedule. Then life happens and you get out of your rhythm and getting back to the schedule that made you feel good is so much harder.

Below I have quickly broke down a bit of what my rut seems to consist and what I know I need more of. Also, you can read about how last week's Queen Allowina did. And don't forget to think about you. Maybe reading this will get you thinking about what is going on with you because I know reflection can always help me have better weeks, days or moments. 

My rut: 

  • Not sleeping enough 
  • Drinking too much caffeine
  • Being hard in myself, and I mean really hard 
  • My mind is spinning and I am not stopping it (oh I want to write a whole post on this one)
  • Perhaps trying to do too much at once? But I feel the fire, so I will just keep it going with grace and a planner/spreadsheet. 
  • Not as patience or as kind as I know i can be, especially to kiddos 
  • More anger 
  • Food stuff crept in a bit, but knowing my triggers it is again, just a moment and I can move forward and grow!

What do I need? 

  • More sleep
  • More meditation that allows some a.m. practices on the days I am not teaching early
  • More water. I was with my daughter on Thursday and Friday and she drank a lot of water. I thought I would give it a try and I feel a ton better. More days like that!
  • More being and less thinking. That's right. More BEing! One of my amazing teachers would always remind us that we are "human beings, not human doings!" Dang, I need someone to say that to me every day!
  • Continue to give myself grace at the rate I am building my business. It takes time to create something great right?

How did allowing go? 
Last week my theme of the week was to be Queen Allowina! I wanted to embrace the mess of life and allow various feelings, the mess of the house, and simply not being perfect into my week. So how did it go? 

Queen Allowina's reflection of last week:

I was so surprised (and not surprised) that I resisted the heck out of allowing. It was the most painful attempt at trying to be laid back. In all honestly, it showed up the most in my parenting. For some reason the kids were a handful last week and into the weekend. For a good part of the week I thought their behavior and the parenting frustrations were me not being patient until I saw the kids get the best of my husband (he rarely gets frustrated with the kids). Phew, it wasn't just me. As the week progressed I found myself resisting allowing the mess and allowing the crazy morning routines and being behind on what feels like everything. For most of the week I was sure as a mom I have no clue what I am doing; but don't we all have parenting moments when we wonder what the...? 

Last week I found myself having an angry and impatient tone of voice with the kids, and even raising my voice when I they would continue to not listen! The positive: I realize it is important to not allow unkind behavior, but at the same point I realize I must only allow the lessons to come from the place of love. So Sunday, on the way to swimming lessons with both kids, we went over our four rules:

1. Listen to mom and dad the first time
2. Kindness (kind words and actions such as hitting, biting etc.)
3. No name calling (believe it or not I am the worst at this). For example I joke around that I am "mean mommy." After the intense parenting morning (for both my hubby and I) we were going over the rules in the car and my three-year old son says to me "mean mommy is name calling!" Hot damn he was so right. How did I miss that one?
4. No back talk

A big thanks to my friend for helping me create these rules because when I think I might lose it as a mom and feel so lost and unsure of what next I go back to these. And it helps me to realize that these aren't Kid's Rules, but Family Rules. I must be kind in my guiding and parenting, even if they are acting like a-holes.  

As far as allowing others to feel, well I realize this will be an ongoing opportunity because I quickly take on the feelings of others and have it negatively impact my moments. But I know I am solely in charge of my own emotions and others have the right to feel. Thus, Queen Allowina will continue. 

Finally, I allowed my Thursday post to just get posted when I finally can edit and add pictures. It was done on Wednesday and that my friends, is the kind of week I had as far as all-hands-on-dec with the kiddos. Oh well, it is just a blog post. I allow right?. :) :) 

What next?

I am going to keep it simple this week. I am going to commit to my daily practice, water, sleep and grace when it comes to the to-do’s, both work and home. The list is long and the passion is deep, but I am only one person and my best this week will be enough. I realized in being more aware last week that my anger is stemmed by never feeling like I can get enough done or be enough for people or sleep the right amount, etc. etc.

What I know I can control and do Now is breathe. I often joke around that I am the yoga teacher that doesn't breathe. Unfortunately, it isn't a joke. I don't breathe very well most of the days (again, another opportunity for more writing on this gem). This week my focus to support me is "I will breathe!" I will breathe in and out as calmly and deeply as I can. I know how I feel after a yoga practice with intentional breathing. Why don’t I do this in my everyday life? Last week taking a drop essential oil (I have been loving the Gratitude oil) and cupping my hands to smell and breathe helped calm my body and drop into the present moment. The breath is our foundation for life and greatly connected to the quality of the mind. Why not start today? 

What are your plans for this week?

As always, take a moment to think about last week. What felt good and what would you like more of? Is there something you are doing a lot of that is actually keeping you out of balance? Do you need an extra yoga class or some extra sleep? How can you stay grounded and calm in the week we are approaching with Tuesday’s election and I could imagine a busy life and mind? Schedule something in for you if you can. And lastly, are you breathing? Breathe with my please. And tell me how it's going; I would love to hear!

Life is such a gift and feel so very grateful to have the time to reflect, share and grow.

Thank you so much for reading and more importantly, thank you so much for being YOU! Have a beautiful week. 

Peace and love to y'all!

Kristin

The quality of our breath expresses our inner feelings.
— TKV Desikachar

"Allowina" - Check-in Monday Oct.31, 2016

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Last week with the theme of making choices that make me "feel good" I had a lot of awareness happening in the past week. I am learning more each day how GREATLY I am impacted by the emotions of others. Although in theory I would like to allow others around me to have their feelings, those closest to me might say that I tend to get frustrated or annoyed or even angry when they are in a mood. This shows up the most with my husband and kids. I realized this a lot the past couple weeks because of the wisdom and guidance of my coach (Laura Burkey - check her out here)! She has been helping support me in this skill, among others. We cannot control the feelings or actions of others and it is not our job to change their feelings or take it on. In our chat we discussed me working on allowing and being playful with it; thus, my new nickname I am calling myself is "Allowina!" Basically, I allow others to feel and allow life to happen. This weekend I used it and would twirl around and joke around when I could feel my resistance to my kids (or hubby) having a moment where they were moving through an emotion.

Being playful and calling myself "Allowina" actually lightened the mood and helped me realize often times my frustration is simply my lack of allowing the feelings of others. Of course this isn't intentional; I think it is because I often feel like I am actually feeling the feelings of others. Have you ever seen someone get injured and feel that zing through your body where you could almost feels the pain? I bet a lot of you know exactly what I mean. It's the empathetic part in a lot of us that is sometimes stronger is some. Having empathy can be an incredible gift in connection/support for those that you love, but it can also be an enemy if aren't careful. Thus, I fully support and will nurture my new skill of allowing. "I am Allowina!" 

This was a day-changer walk for me with a pal. Breathing in the fresh air and moving my body always allows me to find my faith and gratitude!

I also realize that as the busy and hustle of the season approaches I get a little crazy in the head. My mind is all over the place and I feel like I am always ten steps behind. I feel angry and annoyed, like I am not enough, especially as a parent. Let me be clear that I know I am enough—my self-love has increased a lot in the last couple years as I have learned a lot about myself. However, in the parenting department this is HARD. I get mad fast and sometimes I even swear and of course apologize when I make a mistake. I have started to do "re-do's" with the kids to help move through the challenging and no-so-good parenting moments (another skill I have learned from my amazing coach). But to put it simply, I feel sad when I talk to my kids in a crappy tone or lose my patience. I am sad when I feel like I am not being as present, kind or as patient as I intend to be. For example, I promised a Halloween party on the weekend and then never found one because I was too tired on Friday night (as were the rest of my people). In all of this I know I also need to allow imperfection in the life of parenting and NOT be so hard on myself. When I take the approach of love and I allow the mess of the house and the morning routine and even the moments of discipline, then it all seems easier. And I find that I am more loving. 

In parenting (and life) there are big wins and then moments of learning and challenge. For example, last night I was under the weather and had the kids give me a bath. This sounds funny, but the reality was I got them ready for bed fast and then took a bath while they were reading to me and playing with the water. My 3-year old son disappeared near the end and I kept asking my 6-year old daughter to check on him. He was "reading" books in his room. I got out of the bath grateful to take care of myself before 8 p.m. ensuring that I would actually go to bed (that did not happen a lot last week). Wow, I thought to myself, this is magical and definitely goes in the magical bucket of parenting. I walk out into the hall with my towel on and my son gives me the guilty look and points to me and says, "go away mommy!" Oh no, what did he do? You guessed it! He pooped in his diaper. He had on his nighttime diaper and said that he pooped because "his poop was stuck!" Yuck. God bless my husband for rescuing the moment and changing his diaper. He has been potty trained since the spring so I haven't changed a diaper for a while. 

I share this story because I think it is good representation of life. It is beautiful and magical and messy. The more we focus on the magic and the blessings the happier life is. Today I am not feeling well so we are home and not running around crazy like we typically do. And instead of feel sorry for myself I find myself naturally grateful for the moments to slow down. I am grateful I am not missing work and I have the ability to actually be sick. I got a few chores done (because I suck at not being still) and that feels good. The vacuum broke during my cleaning session so I tried to fix it and failed, but I swept the carpet. Allowina won that cleaning session and the house is cleaner than it was before even if the vacuum failed me. Also, while cleaning I attempted to make elderberry syrup and the glass jar broke. Again, I must adapt and allow a shift to fix the problem. And finally, we hit up our local co-op to make this magic potion to help me feel better and when I got home I realized I forgot the ginger, a key ingredient in the drink. What in the world? Adapt again! And since I wrote this one more change of plans—the dinner that I planned to make forgot to make its way to the crockpot. Leftovers and hot dogs it is. Adapt one more time. 

Thus, In writing this simple reflection of today I realize a lot of my anger or frustration in life, and in particular as a mama, has a lot to do with expectations and things never going the way I expect them. I do not have control and it makes me mad. But the more that I realize the negative impact on this perspective the more that "allowing" seems to create a lot more happiness and peace. I am hoping I can do more of this in my parenting and all areas of my life. 

As for looking at last week, overall it was a great week of showing up in life, attempting to do things that made me feel good, and reflect as kindly as I could when I didn't. For example, I stayed up way too late many nights. And this week, well, I am not as on top of life as I want but I am realizing I will likely never be. Thus, my intention for the week is "I allow" or "I am Allowina!" My hope is that the rest will fall into place. I will keep getting my butt to bed in hopes to feel even better and find times for things like early-morning practice (the days I am not teaching) and more. 

Each day is a gift and hands us interesting lessons. This week I ask for grace, gratitude and an ability to slowly hone in my skills to allow. I assume this will have a positive effect on my life and those I love. What direction are you headed this week? What went well last week and felt good and what didn't feel so good? Can you learn from it this week and can you give yourself just a little more grace?

I wish you a Happy Halloween and an amazing week! 

Oh, and two more things to add. I was feeling so crummy last night so instead of spend the few minutes to edit my post and add pictures I allowed myself to go to bed. I guess that is a little win. I allow my Monday post to show up Tuesday. And, this morning when pouring my finished elderberry syrup in the jar I spilled a good amount and I simply laughed. I allow. It is amazing the power of intention and how it can positively impact your days and life. Namaste friends!

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In love and gratitude,

Kristin

Perfectly Imperfect

Today It is late and I am trying to actually get to sleep so I have decided to share a little of the messy parts of parenting for me before I head to bed. This is unedited and simply from my heart. I want to start by saying that I love my kids oh so much; you know that deep love in your soul love. However, being a mama in a lot of ways doesn’t come easy to me. I get caught up in the emotions of the kids and the resistance and it gets the best of me. I hate to admit it but I sometimes yell, I try not to but my swearing comes out and I even ignore them (gasp)!

The last two days I have been in full-on mommy duty. I did teach a class this morning at 6 a.m. and then my hubby let me go for a run around the lake. Check out some of this picture. This was a run that although I was physically spent, I knew my soul needed to move. I always feel connected when I get outside and move my body; I am reminded of the gift of life and it helps me to do my very best.

That is what happened for me today. My head was spinning on my run because the day prior was a mess. It had some very amazing, even bliss-filled moments with the kiddos during the day. In those moments I was fully present and I felt so blessed. I could see the twinkle in the their eyes as we went to the local pumpkin patch (aka-the local garden store that has loads of pumpkins and a sign that says “pumpkin patch). Thank you Sunnyside Gardens for saving my Wednesday. My kids were pumped and I was present. My phone was only out for the fifty pictures I snapped because it was one of those moments I could feel in my bones that I didn’t want to forget. And as I am starting to figure out as a mom, the farther you are way from the messy parts, the more amazing those moments start to take over your entire memory. I sure as heck hope that my kiddos feel the same. I hope that when they think about their childhood they remember the love. They remember the moments of fun that we created in our family. And they remember the hugs and kisses and most importantly the times I said I was sorry. Those moments are hard for me as a mama because I know I wasn’t perfect. I know I let them down. But I also know that telling them I am sorry for my words that may have hurt them is the best that I can do. And I believe, deep in my heart, that they need to know that I am not perfect and I never will be. I am perfectly imperfect. And so are you and the rest of us.

This morning in class I was sharing parenting stories and talked about how it can hurt so bad as a mom when what you say to your kid takes their energy from that bright and big vibe of happiness and kid curiosity to small. Please tell me you know what I mean. For example, if I say something like, “name-of-kid.” In a disappointing tone, they look at me with sad eyes and immediately their energy shrinks. For my little boy he starts to cry because he knows I am mad and can feel my disappointment. Or how about, “what were you thinking?” What? I know it sounds like I am awful, but sometimes these words slip out. And I know exactly what those words make a little kiddo feel: shame. And that is the LAST thing I intend to make my kids feel. So then as a mama I feel small. But then I dust myself off, and I keep going because they need me to. They need me to keep trying and to love them still and to do a little better next time. And sometimes, getting mad is the only way to get them to get my attention (and I am working on this mentality too), but tonight I was calm with no emotion for most of the night with the exception of a couple minor moments. And for me and for us, that is a miracle. The love outweighed the mess. And that my friends is my goal.

I will leave you with a little excerpt from a moment on Wednesday where I thought I was going to lose it on my kids. Instead of scream or have an adult tantrum I ran to my computer and wrote. Another time I ran to the porch and started to do deep belly breathing. I suppose this is a good example for them to see me channel my frustration in a positive way right?

Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2016 at 10:30 a.m.

I am ignoring my three-year old crying for a quick moment and I wonder why the heck I cannot be more patient. I decided to skip my planned at-home workout today so that we could get a quick store run in and have some outdoor fun. And now it is 10:30 which leaves two hours and a lot of mama anger. Why can't I ever feel like i have it together? Seriously. I try so hard. I stay up late and make lists and write plans and decide to be kind. And for the beginning of the morning it was fun; everyone was playing nice to each other and we were getting a few extra things done. And then the morning poops and the spilled water and the mess from playing. And the laundry that I am trying to stay on top of so the busy weekend plans can fall into place. And what about quality time with my oldest kiddo because I  know we don't get it much. We plan to do a spa day, but must do it right at the beginning of nap because then we are running to dance. And I wonder if I am the crazy mom that is making her do dance when I peak in her room and I find her doing ballet in her room (ribbon around her leg) with a huge smile. Okay, so the running around is worth it.

And then coming back to the present moment I realize I am making my kiddos feel bad that the time is the time and we just cannot do it all in four hours. And that isn't right. So I type. I choose to type instead of keep sputtering words out of my mouth that are annoying me and likely unintentionally hurting them. I read a post from someone yesterday talking about how much it hurts when our children grow up because we miss when they are little. But why was it so hard during that time of not being able to reason? Why did we wish to lock ourselves in the bathroom because it just seemed too much? Is it because the phase is actually hard or is it because expectations in just one simple day tend to be too high. For me today I want to get chores done, do fall fun, pack for the weekend, buy some stuff at the store that we need and some Halloween things, and have one-on-one time and more! Oh, did I mention my yoga and meditation? And the prep for the barre class or the writing that I want to finish up? How about the packing list for the coming trip? And how many hours in the day do I think that I have?

Typing this I realize that maybe my kids aren't messed up or annoying and that my expectations are just too much for one person/day. So I guess it is time to get the teapot off the stove and adapt. I must adapt, look into their eyes and make them feel love and safe. Isn't that my job after all? Do I really need to have it all together? I guess if we walk to the local garden store instead of find a pumpkin patch it will be okay and f I don't get to the store until tonight and we have PB sandwiches for dinner, it will be alright too. So, I breathe in love and exhale all the shit that just happened in the last 15 minutes. All is well and I am grateful for all of my blessings. 

Parenting is a gift and can be so hard all at the same time. So we must continue to keep ourselves in check and adjust adjust adjust. That my friend is the best I can do. And when I tell myself I suck, well then I actually do.

Here's to finding the beauty in the mess of parenting (and maybe a little bit of fun). 

All my love to you in your parenting adventures, or life adventures. How are you perfectly imperfect? I am sure you have your own story and are doing your best. In class today I asked the question, "what are you awesome at?"  I will leave you with that question because I am sure you are a rockstar in the mess of it all.

Shine on!

In love, light, and gratitude,

Kristin